The Tactics of an Abuser: Coercive Control Explained

Many people misunderstand the concept of a "trauma bond," assuming it means a victim is attached to their abuser because of the like the pain they cause. This is not true. Instead, a trauma bond is the result of systematic conditioning over time—victims come to accept and expect the abuse as normal, eventually believing they deserve it. This constant dehumanization and psychological control force them into survival mode, living in fear with every decision they make.

We're quick to judge victims. We ask questions like -"Why did she stay so long?" and "Why does she listen to him?" But, she's doing what she can to survive. If that means placating her abuser - she'll do it. If that means staying because leaving is infinitely more dangerous - she'll do it. If that means staying in contact with him because keeping tabs on his mood feels safer- she'll do it. If that means taking responsibility, blaming herself, and defending the person who harms her- she'll do that too.

How does the abuser have this kind of power? Often, it's coercive control.

Coercive Control

"Though physical forms of intimate partner violence or domestic violence are well known and easy to detect, there are more covert forms of psychological abuse that aren't always recognized as violence.

Coercive control is a course of intimidating, degrading and regulatory practices used by abusers to instill fear and threat into the everyday lives of their victims." In these situations, victims of coercive and controlling behavior are deprived of their liberty and autonomy. The intent is to gain and maintain power and "strip away a person's freedom and sense of self."

Coercive control can be an early indicator of relationships escalating into physical or lethal violence. In Canada, researchers who looked at femicides from 2015 to 2019 found coercive, controlling behaviors such as stalking, isolation, and threats were frequent. On average, a woman is killed by an intimate partner every six days in Canada." (Hill, Jess. See What You Made Me Do: The Dangers of Domestic Abuse That We Ignore, Explain Away, or Refuse to See. Sourcebooks, 2020.)

Speaking with survivors, and even in the posts online, when someone shares their experience of abuse, there is a chorus of people in the comments, saying "Me too."

Abusers often work in similar ways, with similar tactics.

"Perpetrators exist on a spectrum: from family men who don't even realize they are being abusive to master manipulators who terrorize their partners. Some know what they are doing; their abuse is premeditated and tactical, and others subconsciously reinvent the coercive control techniques. But, from the meticulous coercive controller to the insecure reactor, they will almost always use the same basic methods to dominate their partners." https://www.theglobeandmail.com/canada/article-what-is-coercive-control-relationships-abuse-resources-help/

Common Tactics Used by Abusers

Establish love and trust

The development of love, trust, and intimacy binds the victim to her abuser. Whether the love is real or fabricated by the abuser, its purpose is to instill a false sense of security. Often, by the time abuse begins, this stage is well-secured.

Isolation

Victims begin to be isolated from friends and family. The goal of the abuser here is to have the victim be entirely dependent on them. They make it difficult for the victim to go out and connect with others. They might also take control of their phone, transportation, and money.

Monopolize perception

Once the victim is isolated, the abuser can monopolize her perception. Any information that does not coincide with the abuser's views is abolished; they punish any actions that show resistance or independence. There is victim blaming; victims start to feel they are at fault, and constant monitoring by their abuser can occur.

Induce debilitation & exhaustion

Sleep deprivation, which weakens victims' ability to resist, access to essential items, e.g., food and medicine, is withheld, and there is constant questioning of the victim, as well as gaslighting. This reduces her ability to think clearly, and reduces any strength she might have to defend herself. A tired, hungry person is much easier to control.

Threats

To kill the victim/ self/ family pets, take the children, and leave the victim (abandonment) results in heightened anxiety for the victim. Fear is a powerful tool of an abuser.

Alternating reward & punishments

The abuser may express remorse, give gifts, reward "good" behavior, and show the more positive and loving sides of themselves, only to contrast and return to abuse. Rules and expectations are constantly changing, and how the abuser will behave is often unknown and leaves the victim hyper-vigilant.

Devaluing/degradation

The victim experiences verbal abuse and is shamed in public, the victim's self-esteem is destroyed, and punishments are issued. For example, the victim might be prevented from engaging in personal hygiene tasks, or there is a complete invasion of privacy while those tasks are performed.

Omnipotence

The abuser has complete control, and physical assaults occur -(though not always) stalking and harassment. The victim is hopeless and feels there is no escape.

If the tactics listed sound like psychological torture? It’s because they are. These tactics were first observed and researched by Albert Biderman. Biderman, a psychologist with the American Air Force, was assigned to explore why many American prisoners of war (POW) captured by Communist forces during the Korean War were cooperating and dependent on their captors. Biderman's Chart is a tool designed to demonstrate and explain the coercive methods of stress and manipulation used to torture prisoners of war. Here's an adapted version of the chart focused on how it can look in relationships.

Domestic and interpersonal violence is torture. A key difference from Biderman's version is that there is love and trust built in the beginning of the relationship.

For most victims, coercive control is hard to recognize. They've been conditioned to blame themselves, to live in fear, and dependency. By the time the abuse begins- it feels impossible to get out. If and when they can leave and find safety, it can be months or years to understand the full scope of what was experienced.

If this piece is relatable. If you need help, there are places you can go and people you can talk to for assistance.

You're not alone.

Sources:

Domestic violence- can include physical violence, sexual assault, coercive control, emotional/psychological abuse, financial abuse, humiliation, and terror. See the Power & Control Wheel for more info.

Biderman, A. D., & Zimmer, H. (1961). The Manipulation of Human Behavior.

Biderman's Chart of Coercive Control

Quotes:

Hill, Jess. See What You Made Me Do: The Dangers of Domestic Abuse That We Ignore, Explain Away, or Refuse to See. Sourcebooks, 2020.

Hayes, M., Renzetti, E., & Grant, T. (2022, March 18). What is coercive control? Why understanding the warning signs is key to preventing intimate partner violence. The Globe and Mail. Retrieved November 15, 2022, from https://www.theglobeandmail.com/canada/article-what-is-coercive-control-relationships-abuse-resources-help/
Trauma, Domestic Violence, Relationships